Tonight I went to a fireside for my stake and the speaker was Christopher Williams. Now for those who do not know his story, to give you a very short version, a teenage drunk driver hit his car with most of his family in the car, and sadly four of his family members passed away. But the amazing part about his story, was that he from the moment of the accident he forgave the teenage driver and believed that Heavenly Father had a plan for everyone. One thing that really hit was forgiving. How important it is to forget and to just let it go. We have such a short time here on Earth and we should not waste it with hate and rage. It was an amazing talk and really opened my eyes to a lot.
On the way home, my friend Alyssa asked me if I went through that forgiving process and similar situation when my dad passed away. I thought about it for a second and I was like, yes I did have to, a couple of times, and sometimes it still has to happen. The big one was having to forgive my dad for not going to the doctors for two years, when signs were showing for those two years and we have been told it would have been a different outcome if he would have gone to the doctors earlier. That was hard at first, then its the quote from the Lion King, "oh yes the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it." The other time would be when he decided to stop treatment and decided quality of life was better the quantity. And sometimes that is still hard, because we were told on February 14, 2012 that dad would have 4-6 years with on and off chemo. Now its hard to see that because there is a chance that he would still be around today. Not be gone for almost four years. Its hard but once again, got to remember we can't change the past and the big one, that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us. We may not understand why His plan involves people in our lives leaving early.
That last month with my dad was hard. I haven't really talked much about it to a lot of people. I tried to hide it and started my blocking and hiding my emotions. You see on July 23, 2013 we were given 1-4 months. On July 25, 2013 hospice came into our home to explain how they work. That was the hardest thing. To learn about what was going to happen, how a nurse would come once a week at first to check on dad. That there was a purple paper on the fridge that was my dad's DNR (Do not resuscitate) information just in case we had to call 911 for something. There was a locked medical container in our fridge and that when dad was in a lot of pain, we had to call hospice and they had to give us permission to open it to give him stronger pain medication. Or the day that my dad told me to call my mom to tell her it was his time to come home and I just sat hold his hand and he asked me to come in close and he said I love you to me for the last time. Then he just went down hill. He had a hard time speaking and saying words fully. He would want to sit up but couldn't hold himself up, so we would have to help him stay up. I think that was the hardest thing, physically, mentally and spiritually. Seeing dad struggle was hard and I felt like crying but I couldn't in front of him. Then I couldn't go to my room, because my grandparents were in the room. And I was sharing a room with my mom for the moment. So I remember one time I just went to my backyard and just cried. I don't crying in front of people for an emotional situation because then people get the "I am so sorry" face. Which I admit, I do the same, but when you are receiving the face you just want it to be over. If that makes sense. I think that was when I started blocking my feelings.
I remember about a month or two after my dad passed away, my roommates and I were at our guy friends house and I remember my roommate Danielle looked at me and said "if you ever want someone to talk to." and I remember telling her, "I wouldn't want to burden you, because no one should know what I went through." Or something along those lines. Not going to lie, I wanted to more than anything talk to someone but at the same time I didn't want to. Then today in Relief Society today our stake relief society president said how important it is to share emotions and to not bottle it in. Now trust me I have heard that before, but it didn't really hit me hard until today and that moment with Danielle came in my head. Once again, I cannot change the past, but I can learn from the past.
Close to a year after my dad passed away, my cousin committed suicide. And trust me I was sad for this, especially when I realized the last time I saw him was I pretty sure was Christmas. However, I didn't grieve like I did when my dad died. Now still I do not know exactly why. Maybe it was because I already gained a strong testimony to Heavenly Fathers plan for everyone and that I knew Dannie was now with my dad. Or maybe it was with my block. That I am still figuring out. It wasn't until my grandpa and uncle passing away last May when I really noticed it. Again, I was sad that they both passed away and that my cousins, aunts, and uncle were now like me, with a dad here on the earth. So I don't know if its because I had a different relationship with the three verses my dad. I know this is my psychology coming out wanting to get to the bottom of every emotion and reaction.
Grief is a funny thing. Everyone goes through it differently. However, it does effect us in so many ways. We have to learn to live life without that person. We have to continue living for that person. Yes there are times we miss them. Like I really miss my cousin Dannie and his jokes. Or that my grandpa would cheat at cards and make up his own rules (okay almost all of us Andersons cheat at cards one way or the other), my uncle asking me what there was to do in Utah, and most of all I miss my dad and him trying to embarrass us but really we just thought it was funny.
My last picture with my Grandpa Anderson. I had this feeling I needed this picture. I am so grateful for following that feeling.
Opening up about things in the past are never easy. It is hard and some of the memories are not always pleasant. But to hold it in, that does not help anyone. I have slowly let some out here and there, but so much has been locked in. A lot is hidden in because I don't want it to come out. I don't want to show emotion because I don't want to feel that loss again. That moment of seeing someone in their final moments of their life. Just waiting for Heavenly Father to call them home. Or for someone to come into your life and see them leave it just as fast. No one wants that however, realizing it, you got to let people in and show emotion. Because again, you got to live your life in happiness and continue. Just because you have had this trial doesn't mean you can block emotions and your life away. You have to continue and live this life as much as possible, because one thing that I have learned from this, is that you never know how long you have on this earth. Open up, let people in, have fun, make memories, and remember the Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us.
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