Today in relief society, we were challenged to fill in the blanks of the following statements. I am a true millennial because... and I can overcome the world by... These two statements really hit me. There is a video that the LDS church has published about millennials. They first start off with what the world thinks millennials are. Then it brings up quotes from President Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of what Heavenly Father knows who millennials are. What a big difference that is. As the world sees millennials, or anyone for that matter, more times than one, a self absorbed, negative, ungrateful generation. Heavenly Father on the other hand sees the generation He has been waiting to bring to this Earth, the millennials.
I am a true millennial because I was put on this Earth at this moment for a reason that I have yet to fully know. For those who have seen Supernatural, think back to when you find out that Sam and Dean find out that they are the vessels for Michael the archangel and Lucifer and that they would have to fight to save the world. Now this goes on for about a season of them finding loopholes and figuring this whole thing out. In one part, they are told about how heaven made sure that Sam and Dean were born, down to making sure their parents met. It was even divine intervention that Sam and Deans parents met. Now think about that. We know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us. We have been told that since the beginning. Now that plan does not start when we take our first breath on this Earth. It has started long long before. To make sure we were put on this Earth and the time He needs us to be here. I believe that with all my heart and soul. I trust in my Heavenly Father that He does have a plan for each and every one of us. As millennials, there is a lot that is asked of us. We are asked to help prepare the world the second coming of the Lord. Also, we are asked to get an education, get married, have children, don't forget to have a career, house, dog, etc. It can be overwhelming to think about let alone figure out as you see how the world wants you to do this as well.
Now for the second part of that statement. I can overcome the world by continuing to build my testimony and relationship with my Heavenly Father. Like I said earlier, He has a plan. Now yes we have our agency to do what we so please. However, why not go straight to the source when you are struggling, trying to figure out all those other things mentioned. School is stressful enough, so is dating that we wont even start with, figuring out what you want to be, and how in the world is the rest of my life going to play out if a, b, or c doesn't work out. Turn to the one that made the plan. He is there to guide us. I remember of a time when I asked for a priesthood blessing during a major trial in my life, and in the blessing I remember being told that I was given these trials to help shape me into the woman that the Lord needs me to become. That has stuck with me since. We are a block of clay being molded into who not only the Lords needs us to be, but who He KNOWS we can be. We only see a glimpse of who we are going to become.
It gets frustrating not knowing whats next, trust me I know and you think of how other people your age are doing this or that and you question, why not me now? Trust me I have asked that question over and over. Yet always I am reminded on how Heavenly Father has a plan and his timing is everything. We are a generation that wants the answer now and I really think its because we are just so curious on what is there. We have a question, we can google it and get an answer. We are a curious generation. Now with those harder questions that haunt us, we cannot really google. That we have to turn to Him and be prepared for the answer that will come, on His timing. He has chosen us to be the millennials, not because we would the easiest with the technology He knew would be here, but because He knows that we are the generation that will prepare the world for a much bigger event. We are the generation that can do it. He has trusted us to this task. I am a true millennial ready to become the person He is preparing me to be, are you?
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Sunday, January 29, 2017
Unblock Post 3: Emotions.
It has been awhile since I have posted. I am hoping to change that, since I have noticed that it helps to blog sometimes. Lately I have been thinking a lot about my dad and the last year of his life. As I am slowing working on "unblocking" I was realizing that, I have been blocking a lot that happened and what I felt about the whole situation. I also realized that I have been blocking a lot of emotion since because it is easier. I didn't really notice until I was watching the show, "Fuller House" and DJ (the oldest sister) talks to Stephanie (the middle sister) on how she has held in her emotions ever since their mother died when they were young. And it just hit me that in a way I was doing the same thing.
Tonight I went to a fireside for my stake and the speaker was Christopher Williams. Now for those who do not know his story, to give you a very short version, a teenage drunk driver hit his car with most of his family in the car, and sadly four of his family members passed away. But the amazing part about his story, was that he from the moment of the accident he forgave the teenage driver and believed that Heavenly Father had a plan for everyone. One thing that really hit was forgiving. How important it is to forget and to just let it go. We have such a short time here on Earth and we should not waste it with hate and rage. It was an amazing talk and really opened my eyes to a lot.
On the way home, my friend Alyssa asked me if I went through that forgiving process and similar situation when my dad passed away. I thought about it for a second and I was like, yes I did have to, a couple of times, and sometimes it still has to happen. The big one was having to forgive my dad for not going to the doctors for two years, when signs were showing for those two years and we have been told it would have been a different outcome if he would have gone to the doctors earlier. That was hard at first, then its the quote from the Lion King, "oh yes the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it." The other time would be when he decided to stop treatment and decided quality of life was better the quantity. And sometimes that is still hard, because we were told on February 14, 2012 that dad would have 4-6 years with on and off chemo. Now its hard to see that because there is a chance that he would still be around today. Not be gone for almost four years. Its hard but once again, got to remember we can't change the past and the big one, that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us. We may not understand why His plan involves people in our lives leaving early.
That last month with my dad was hard. I haven't really talked much about it to a lot of people. I tried to hide it and started my blocking and hiding my emotions. You see on July 23, 2013 we were given 1-4 months. On July 25, 2013 hospice came into our home to explain how they work. That was the hardest thing. To learn about what was going to happen, how a nurse would come once a week at first to check on dad. That there was a purple paper on the fridge that was my dad's DNR (Do not resuscitate) information just in case we had to call 911 for something. There was a locked medical container in our fridge and that when dad was in a lot of pain, we had to call hospice and they had to give us permission to open it to give him stronger pain medication. Or the day that my dad told me to call my mom to tell her it was his time to come home and I just sat hold his hand and he asked me to come in close and he said I love you to me for the last time. Then he just went down hill. He had a hard time speaking and saying words fully. He would want to sit up but couldn't hold himself up, so we would have to help him stay up. I think that was the hardest thing, physically, mentally and spiritually. Seeing dad struggle was hard and I felt like crying but I couldn't in front of him. Then I couldn't go to my room, because my grandparents were in the room. And I was sharing a room with my mom for the moment. So I remember one time I just went to my backyard and just cried. I don't crying in front of people for an emotional situation because then people get the "I am so sorry" face. Which I admit, I do the same, but when you are receiving the face you just want it to be over. If that makes sense. I think that was when I started blocking my feelings.
This is the last picture of us with dad. We were at dinner for Austin's 18th birthday.
I remember about a month or two after my dad passed away, my roommates and I were at our guy friends house and I remember my roommate Danielle looked at me and said "if you ever want someone to talk to." and I remember telling her, "I wouldn't want to burden you, because no one should know what I went through." Or something along those lines. Not going to lie, I wanted to more than anything talk to someone but at the same time I didn't want to. Then today in Relief Society today our stake relief society president said how important it is to share emotions and to not bottle it in. Now trust me I have heard that before, but it didn't really hit me hard until today and that moment with Danielle came in my head. Once again, I cannot change the past, but I can learn from the past.
Close to a year after my dad passed away, my cousin committed suicide. And trust me I was sad for this, especially when I realized the last time I saw him was I pretty sure was Christmas. However, I didn't grieve like I did when my dad died. Now still I do not know exactly why. Maybe it was because I already gained a strong testimony to Heavenly Fathers plan for everyone and that I knew Dannie was now with my dad. Or maybe it was with my block. That I am still figuring out. It wasn't until my grandpa and uncle passing away last May when I really noticed it. Again, I was sad that they both passed away and that my cousins, aunts, and uncle were now like me, with a dad here on the earth. So I don't know if its because I had a different relationship with the three verses my dad. I know this is my psychology coming out wanting to get to the bottom of every emotion and reaction.
All 19 of us together under one roof only happened twice. This picture will always be treasured.
Grief is a funny thing. Everyone goes through it differently. However, it does effect us in so many ways. We have to learn to live life without that person. We have to continue living for that person. Yes there are times we miss them. Like I really miss my cousin Dannie and his jokes. Or that my grandpa would cheat at cards and make up his own rules (okay almost all of us Andersons cheat at cards one way or the other), my uncle asking me what there was to do in Utah, and most of all I miss my dad and him trying to embarrass us but really we just thought it was funny.
My last picture with my Grandpa Anderson. I had this feeling I needed this picture. I am so grateful for following that feeling.
This is the last time I hung out with my uncle. It was a beautiful day of fun with the Andersons.
Opening up about things in the past are never easy. It is hard and some of the memories are not always pleasant. But to hold it in, that does not help anyone. I have slowly let some out here and there, but so much has been locked in. A lot is hidden in because I don't want it to come out. I don't want to show emotion because I don't want to feel that loss again. That moment of seeing someone in their final moments of their life. Just waiting for Heavenly Father to call them home. Or for someone to come into your life and see them leave it just as fast. No one wants that however, realizing it, you got to let people in and show emotion. Because again, you got to live your life in happiness and continue. Just because you have had this trial doesn't mean you can block emotions and your life away. You have to continue and live this life as much as possible, because one thing that I have learned from this, is that you never know how long you have on this earth. Open up, let people in, have fun, make memories, and remember the Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us.
Tonight I went to a fireside for my stake and the speaker was Christopher Williams. Now for those who do not know his story, to give you a very short version, a teenage drunk driver hit his car with most of his family in the car, and sadly four of his family members passed away. But the amazing part about his story, was that he from the moment of the accident he forgave the teenage driver and believed that Heavenly Father had a plan for everyone. One thing that really hit was forgiving. How important it is to forget and to just let it go. We have such a short time here on Earth and we should not waste it with hate and rage. It was an amazing talk and really opened my eyes to a lot.
On the way home, my friend Alyssa asked me if I went through that forgiving process and similar situation when my dad passed away. I thought about it for a second and I was like, yes I did have to, a couple of times, and sometimes it still has to happen. The big one was having to forgive my dad for not going to the doctors for two years, when signs were showing for those two years and we have been told it would have been a different outcome if he would have gone to the doctors earlier. That was hard at first, then its the quote from the Lion King, "oh yes the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either run from it or learn from it." The other time would be when he decided to stop treatment and decided quality of life was better the quantity. And sometimes that is still hard, because we were told on February 14, 2012 that dad would have 4-6 years with on and off chemo. Now its hard to see that because there is a chance that he would still be around today. Not be gone for almost four years. Its hard but once again, got to remember we can't change the past and the big one, that Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us. We may not understand why His plan involves people in our lives leaving early.
That last month with my dad was hard. I haven't really talked much about it to a lot of people. I tried to hide it and started my blocking and hiding my emotions. You see on July 23, 2013 we were given 1-4 months. On July 25, 2013 hospice came into our home to explain how they work. That was the hardest thing. To learn about what was going to happen, how a nurse would come once a week at first to check on dad. That there was a purple paper on the fridge that was my dad's DNR (Do not resuscitate) information just in case we had to call 911 for something. There was a locked medical container in our fridge and that when dad was in a lot of pain, we had to call hospice and they had to give us permission to open it to give him stronger pain medication. Or the day that my dad told me to call my mom to tell her it was his time to come home and I just sat hold his hand and he asked me to come in close and he said I love you to me for the last time. Then he just went down hill. He had a hard time speaking and saying words fully. He would want to sit up but couldn't hold himself up, so we would have to help him stay up. I think that was the hardest thing, physically, mentally and spiritually. Seeing dad struggle was hard and I felt like crying but I couldn't in front of him. Then I couldn't go to my room, because my grandparents were in the room. And I was sharing a room with my mom for the moment. So I remember one time I just went to my backyard and just cried. I don't crying in front of people for an emotional situation because then people get the "I am so sorry" face. Which I admit, I do the same, but when you are receiving the face you just want it to be over. If that makes sense. I think that was when I started blocking my feelings.
I remember about a month or two after my dad passed away, my roommates and I were at our guy friends house and I remember my roommate Danielle looked at me and said "if you ever want someone to talk to." and I remember telling her, "I wouldn't want to burden you, because no one should know what I went through." Or something along those lines. Not going to lie, I wanted to more than anything talk to someone but at the same time I didn't want to. Then today in Relief Society today our stake relief society president said how important it is to share emotions and to not bottle it in. Now trust me I have heard that before, but it didn't really hit me hard until today and that moment with Danielle came in my head. Once again, I cannot change the past, but I can learn from the past.
Close to a year after my dad passed away, my cousin committed suicide. And trust me I was sad for this, especially when I realized the last time I saw him was I pretty sure was Christmas. However, I didn't grieve like I did when my dad died. Now still I do not know exactly why. Maybe it was because I already gained a strong testimony to Heavenly Fathers plan for everyone and that I knew Dannie was now with my dad. Or maybe it was with my block. That I am still figuring out. It wasn't until my grandpa and uncle passing away last May when I really noticed it. Again, I was sad that they both passed away and that my cousins, aunts, and uncle were now like me, with a dad here on the earth. So I don't know if its because I had a different relationship with the three verses my dad. I know this is my psychology coming out wanting to get to the bottom of every emotion and reaction.
Grief is a funny thing. Everyone goes through it differently. However, it does effect us in so many ways. We have to learn to live life without that person. We have to continue living for that person. Yes there are times we miss them. Like I really miss my cousin Dannie and his jokes. Or that my grandpa would cheat at cards and make up his own rules (okay almost all of us Andersons cheat at cards one way or the other), my uncle asking me what there was to do in Utah, and most of all I miss my dad and him trying to embarrass us but really we just thought it was funny.
My last picture with my Grandpa Anderson. I had this feeling I needed this picture. I am so grateful for following that feeling.
Opening up about things in the past are never easy. It is hard and some of the memories are not always pleasant. But to hold it in, that does not help anyone. I have slowly let some out here and there, but so much has been locked in. A lot is hidden in because I don't want it to come out. I don't want to show emotion because I don't want to feel that loss again. That moment of seeing someone in their final moments of their life. Just waiting for Heavenly Father to call them home. Or for someone to come into your life and see them leave it just as fast. No one wants that however, realizing it, you got to let people in and show emotion. Because again, you got to live your life in happiness and continue. Just because you have had this trial doesn't mean you can block emotions and your life away. You have to continue and live this life as much as possible, because one thing that I have learned from this, is that you never know how long you have on this earth. Open up, let people in, have fun, make memories, and remember the Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us.
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